Monday, December 30, 2013

Resolutions Resolutions Resolutions...

Fitness Barbie

Despite her '80s leotard, did not enjoy teaching
old-school Jane Fonda cardio classes. She kicked
and thrusted so many times she started to believe
she was a Rockette. She decided to try yoga,
but quickly found she was not designed to bend
that way, plus the overheated rooms almost melted
her face. She switched to Zumba, which was fun,
but her hips swiveled funny and made the rest
of the students laugh. That's when she met an out-
of-stock Ken who convinced her to go lifting with him.
That's where she fell

in love. The resonating clank of weights loading
bars was her harbinger. She lunged, squatted,
curled and deadlifted till it hurt to move. She forgot
about doing her makeup, permanently ponied her hair,
and lost three cup sizes in her quest for muscle gain.
Mattel threatened to sue her (she was in breach
of her contract's vanity clause). She told them they could
kiss her newly-raised ass, and added five more
reps to her set.

in volume 2 issue 2
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